I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
