Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
