I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
