i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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