If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize