Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
