We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
