we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
All the doctor said was why
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
