My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
