That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
