Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
