I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
