I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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