I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think your dad took our porno
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I did not marry a roomba.
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