Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
