Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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