she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
