Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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