What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
