so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
