i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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