If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
