moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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