I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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