Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
