Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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