i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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