im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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