I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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