so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
