:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
