I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize