Where is the hickey?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
