Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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