Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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