sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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