o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my being single is dangerous.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
