I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
