I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
