you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
