he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
