Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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