I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
