Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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