5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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