You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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