I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
