I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
