you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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