I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize