Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
