Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
