Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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