He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
