Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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