I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
