Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
