I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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