I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
