I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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