Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
