i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
