Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
