dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
