Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
