I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
