Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
