my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
