I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize