she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
